Dear Steven
by Professor Wolfie
Summary: Months after the Civil war ended, Steve's life is in shambles, and his first love, Peggy, dies. She leaves a letter for him. "Steve let out a sob and sniffled as tears ran down his cheeks in misery. Carefully, he laid the picture down on the table and pulled the last piece of paper out of the envelope and dropped the envelope to the floor, and unfolded the letter." A.U.
**2 warnings coming your way!**

 **Warning one: Dreadfully sad, I cried writing (It was manly tears don't judge me!)**

 **Warning two: Completely unedited.**

 **I'm sorry for breaking your hearts.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

* * *

Dear Steven…

(Song Suggestion: Colder Weather - Zac Brown Band)

He was the last one left in the church…

It was so silent, the pictures of her still on the easels stood with flowers surrounding them and candles on the alter that were extinguished a good time ago. Steve stood in the front of the church, standing more a broken man than he had ever been. Peggy died a week ago, he hadn't spoken to anyone, and he wouldn't answer his phone calls. One of his last connections to the past, to the time when everything wasn't so confusing, was dead. She died just in time to see that the Civil war between the Avengers was over though. He got to tell her that everything was ok again. Except she forgot moments later, and cried at the sight of her lost love.

He put his hands in his pants pockets, his suit was new, black and sleek, and it fit him well. Steve looked at the stain glass windows of the church with the remnants of tears in his eyes. The stain glass glowed and shined beautiful colored light into the church. The Sun shined onto the glass casting the colorful light onto Steve and Peggy's pictures. He gulped down the lump in his throat and sighed.

The Civil war was over. But was the bigger war truly over. The war of picking up the pieces after the bloody civil war.

Steve walked over to the church bench and sat down on the soft crimson cushion. He ran his fingers through his short, thick, blonde hair and sighed and let his shoulders slump for the first time that day. He had to have a strong face and stern features to make people believe he hadn't completely fell apart.

The war was over… That was true in a literal sense, but its effects truly damaged the state of the world and the state of his life. He hasn't spoken to Tony in months, since the end of the war, not a word was said between the two, and it's been months. But Steve didn't have to talk to Tony to know how Tony was doing.

Steve's seen multiple stories on the internet, magazines, T.V. and internet about the multiple scandals Tony was not involved in, all claimed he was arrested multiple times and charged with public intoxication, disorderly conduct, and public indecency.

In fact, just to confirm those news stories, around 2 A.M. 3 weeks ago Pepper Potts showed up at Steve's door crying, not knowing where to go since her family lived so far, Rhodey wasn't very consoling, and Steve's house was the last place Tony would think to look. Steve opened his door to her, she spent two days with him, crying about how bad Tony's drinking has got and he won't talk about why he's so depressed and hides it with arrogance and drunkenness. Steve wasn't sure what to do, so he just ate soup and watched one tree hill with her and hugged her when she needed it, and gave her a place to sleep. She seemed to appreciate it, him and Pepper talked a lot over the phone now, she had to be sneaky about it though, because she was afraid Tony would get angry and she didn't feel like dealing with that, she said "He's not an angry drunk, I'd rather not make him one." And he couldn't disagree with her. So they talked about every other day over the phone late at night, and she would cry sometimes, because she was so worried about Tony, and all Steve could do was console her.

Recently now there were allegations from people who worked with Tony, coming out of silence about his heavy drinking which has raised allegations of alcoholism. They were all around the media, the headline was brutal and so was the judgment, it made Steve feel sorry for Tony. But he still had no desire to talk to the man, they both almost killed one another and one another's friends, and there was no use it boiling bad blood any further.

It was sad, truly. And Steve wasn't so sure if it was the Demon in the bottle or the demon in the man that was killing Tony…

The problem with Tony was a severe chain reaction though. Rhodes would barely speak to him, just quick sharp words when they had to deal with one another, which was rare.

He still speaks to Vision. Steve had noticed pretty quickly that Vision lets things go easily. They spoke, but they spoke to one another rarely, and for Steve it was awkward because his team member almost killed Vision.

Agent Romanoff was the biggest problem…

He's barely spoken or seen her. Steve felt so betrayed by her taking Tony's side in the war, they had been friends, good friends, maybe more… But she betrayed him and took another side in a war. He trusted her and she left him and fought against him. It made him so angry.

And he shouldn't be so angry and petty about it, he knew that, he understood that. He understood that she had a legitimate reason to take Tony's side, it was logical and sensible. And she even explained to him that it wasn't him, it was her morals and ideology, and that she didn't want to hurt him. Natasha did everything she should have done in the situation, she was respectful and peaceful until she absolutely had to become violent. She even gave him warnings.

But he was still so angry and feeling personally betrayed by her actions.

She came to the funeral today as well, for a short time. Natasha's a very busy person. She spoke to him and apologized for his loss and said she would always be there for him, he nodded and they spoke no more.

They rarely saw one another anymore, when they did he was strictly professional and she was less so. He didn't call her Nat, Natasha or Romanoff anymore. If he saw her and had to speak with her he called her 'Agent Romanoff'

It hurt his heart to do it though, because Natasha didn't show emotion in her face, but she did in her eyes, her eyes showed everything she allowed them to. And she tended to slip up around him. It pained him so say 'Good afternoon Agent Romanoff' cause he could see the upset in her eyes. He could tell it hurt her when he stopped calling her Nat or Natasha…

That was one of the worst parts, it almost brought him pleasure. He had never been a vengeful man before but he felt like it was payback for her betrayal.

But he felt bad about it later, when he was alone to his own thoughts. The guilt would come and he would open her contact name on his phone and inch close to the call button, but he never pressed it. He never dared to press it.

But she did. She dared to press that call button a lot. He never understood why she called so many times, she knew what a lost cause looks like. _Maybe it's because I'm not a lost cause._ Natasha tried to make up with him, tried to apologize and be his friend again, try to explain why she never told him that she knew Bucky and they had loved one another.

Oh that was the absolute worst part. She still loved Bucky, but not romantically, she just cared about him because they had went through so much together that their bond was unbreakable. But what made him so angry about it was that she never told him about it, then sprung it on him in a civil war where he was already upset with her.

He would go see Bucky in the facility sometimes and she would be there visiting him, checking on Bucky, and when he walked in she would either try to talk to Steve or just leave. And then Bucky would try to talk to him about how Natasha cared about him and how it upset her so much that he was acting the way he did.

The calls for forgiveness were dwindling though, they stopped about a month ago. He loved her when he really thought about it, and in his thick head he knew she loved him back. Steve wondered if it was too late for her to forgive him for his behavior... It probably was…

He's miss the red blaze of hair that got in his face when the watched movie marathons…

But he still talks to Sam, Scott, and Clint, they work together as superheroes still. Except Steve put down the shield and Sam picked it up, Steve was happy working as a tour guide in a museum for art. But they're best friends, they have dinner every Friday at a bar, and the same goes for Wanda, she was almost like a daughter to him. They all had dinner together and laughed, the only thing was that Wanda was still a part of the Avengers, and she brought all the bad news about Tony and all the sad news about how Natasha was feeling about Steve's behavior, the others were still Avengers to, but they stayed out of that drama.

Clint also brought the same news about Natasha, except he generally urged Steve to talk to her. And Scott was still a part of the Avengers, and currently he was Steve's part time roommate, every other month he stayed at Steve's house, because he now had the rights to see his daughter and he didn't want his daughter in the literal brothel and drug house that he lived in with his other friends. So every other month Scott would pick up Cassy from school and take her to Steve's and they would have fun in the afternoon, and then her mother would pick her up, but Scott had her all weekend so weekends were good for Steve cause he got to hear "Uncle Steve!" Which he enjoyed.

Peter was among the people he still spoke to as well. Peter Parker was like the son he never had, and like Wanda's little brother. Peter was also a part of the Avengers, he was good friends with Tony to. But Peter easily became friends with anyone and everyone. He was a likable kid with a good head on his shoulders… Most of the time, he was still a teen, and a boy, he tended to do reckless and stupid things, but they were generally amusing so Steve didn't mind so much.

Then theres Bucky, he's in a psychiatric facility owned by SHEILD. When he entered he had flashbacks and violent outbursts frequently but they have lessened in the months he's been in the facility. And more and more of his memory is coming back.

Steve visits him every day, but he hadn't made it this week. He couldn't bring himself to tell him that Peggy died. Natasha probably did herself though. She visited Bucky every week and she attended to funeral for as long as she could until she had to go back to work training the new avengers with Sam. Natasha had known Peggy, he could see she was saddened to see her dead.

He wished Bucky could have talked to and seen Peggy before she died. Bucky would have loved to have seen and spoken to her, and Peggy would have loved it to. It would have been nice for them to be all together again…

Steve sighed and stood up when the priest walked into the room and gave him apologetic eyes. Steve was tired of those eyes from everyone, he didn't need their pity. He got those eyes of pity for everything, for Peggy's death, for when Bucky had a bad day, when he had a bad day, when people remembered he wasn't captain America anymore. And frankly, it was starting to piss him off.

He started out of the church, his nice black shoes making sounds that echoed through the big church. Steve opened the door and left, getting in his car and heading home.

….

(Song Suggestion: Home – Mumford and Sons)

Upon his arrival at his apartment there was a letter stuck to his door with sticky note on it that read

' _Steve, my aunt Peggy left this addressed to you, I didn't want to bother you at the church because you seemed so down, so I brought it here. –Sharon'_

Steve sighed and grabbed the letter and crumpled up the sticky note and threw it on the floor and then opened his door. He walked in and shut the door behind him, taking off his suit jacket, hanging it on the coat rack and then walking over to his sofa, sitting down.

He leaned back with a heavy sigh, and undid his black tie and untucked his black shirt, from his black pants.

 _Black… this color means horrible things. I hate it._ He thought and leaned forward and held the letter in his hand. Steve looked at it carefully, looking at the elegant cursive writing on the closed envelope that said _'_ _Steve'_. It was her handwriting, he loved her writing, so elegant and sharp. He wondered when she wrote this letter, she was so frail, it must have been hard to sit up and keep her hands steady to make her writing look so perfect.

With a sigh he put the letter down and put his elbow on his knee putting his large hand across his mouth looking at it with the beginning of tears in his eyes. He wasn't sure if he could bring himself to open it.

With a sigh he broke the seal of the letter and cut open the top with his thumb, and pulled out a square paper and looked at him, his breath hitched and he held in a sob, this whole week he had never actually cried, he got tears in his eyes, but he never cried. But now, a tear dripped down his face and his face contorted in misery as he held the square delicate picture with frayed edges and a faded image. It was of him standing in front of Peggy smiling shyly with her smirking coyly, both of their eyes sparkled in the black and white picture, he remembered this, when he and her completely ignored Bucky. He didn't remember someone taking a picture, but it must have happened.

Steve let out a sob and sniffled as tears ran down his cheeks in misery. Carefully, he laid the picture down on the table and pulled the last piece of paper out of the envelope and dropped the envelope to the floor, and unfolded the letter.

(Song Suggestion: Remedy – Adele ; Stay – Rihanna ; Or continue: Home – Mumford and Sons)

He looked at the elegant handwriting and shuddered holding back a full breakdown, and he began to read.

 _"_ _Dear Steven,_

 _If you're reading this, I've passed. And I'm very sorry that we couldn't have had more time. But I think its best that we both cherish the time that we have had…_

 _I'm so proud of you, I hope you know that. You're a hero Steve, you've saved so many people. I remember when you were small and frail, and you jumped on a fake grenade to save everyone. You're so bloody stupid Steve, you really are. And I love you for it. Writing this is so hard for me, I can't stop crying. I'm just so bloody proud and sad for you. Because I know you've been through so much. Too much, really. I need you to never give up hope, I know that bloody civil war tour you and your friends apart from the inside out. You knew that would happen, I know you did. I could tell, you knew that that war had to happen for freedom of you and others, and you knew it was going to be bloody and horrible, but you knew it had to happen. You lost friends because you knew it was the right thing to do, and it was your job to do something about it._

 _You've seen so much Steve, sometimes I wonder who's more broken, you or me? Because I may have a terrible sickness, but you're such a sad man. You hide it well but I know you are. You're terribly sad, terribly sad all the time. Find something or someone that makes you happy, please if not for yourself, then for me. And could you take care of James for me, he and I always did have so much in common._

 _Steve, I need you to understand something. That I love you so much… and because I love you, I want you to be happy. I beg you to let me go, because all I want is for you to be happy, and you can't until you let me go. Let go of all your worries and your fears for me. And just let go. I love you Steve, I truly do… Please let go… I love you Steve, we'll see one another again, don't worry._

\- _Peggy"_

Steve looked at the bottom of the paper that had dry tear drop marks, from Peggy when she wrote it. Tears streamed down his face and dripped off his chin into his lap as he sobbed. Steve put the letter down on the table and covered his face with his hand and sobbed.

He leaned back in his chair and looked up crying "I'm so sorry we never got that dance, I love you Peg. I really do." He sobbed

"I'm sorry…"

….

(Song Suggestion: Read all about it, Pt.3 – Emeli Sande)

The next day…

Steve walked into Bucky's room in the facility and his face contorted into sorrow. When Bucky saw he knew, it flashed in his eyes and his eyes filled with tears. They embraced one another crying "I loved her Buck…" Steve said crying while they embraced.

"I know ya did… I'm so sorry…"


End file.
